Lost, But Not Adrift

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Something happened the other day that I'd like to share with you. As always  I'll start by saying if I didn't experience these things first hand I'd probably be pulling faces, rolling my eyes or thinking this persons probably drinking too much coffee ? 😁 So if its not your thing, feel free to scroll, I get it.


So a little back story first so that it hopefully makes more sense, from the age of 5 I used to walk up the road ( yes times were different then, kids were free) looking up at the sky crying in frustration and asking god and spirit why they sent me here and why they never responded any more, like it was the most normal thing in the world, like there was a time we used to chat but now I was here they didn't speak to me anymore. I'd ask if this was my karma or if they were angry with me because i'd done something wrong . I'd be sobbing and saying sorry and asking for them to let me back home. Again at the time it seemed the most normal thing in the world but obviously it wasn't, we weren't a religious family in any way shape or form, nobody had spoken to me about any kind of god let alone spirit. As I got older, sometimes I felt connected other times disconnected and this has gone on throughout my entire life.

As those of you who follow  may know, I’m not religious and don’t follow any organized religion, but I do believe in God, I pray, and I live a yogic life. Yoga is not a religion, it’s a way of living that emphasizes self-awareness, inner discipline, compassion, and connection with the divine. While religions are often built around specific doctrines, institutions, and beliefs, a yogic life is a personal practice focused on how we live, grow, and relate to ourselves, others, and the deeper reality of existence.

So for a long long time now, I've not only felt lost but also extremely disconnected.

I've been struggling for answers and  it can often  become overwhelming , so I stop searching for answers and just drift not knowing where i'm going or what i'm doing in the hope that everything will fall into place in time. But that's the problem it doesn't, nothing happens, drifting goes from weeks, to months to years, and now that I'm well on the other side of the piste and shooting down  faster than a snowball identifying as a wheel of double gloucester at the  Coopers Hill cheese rolling event, there feels more of an urgency. 


Under my Mama Chill Music underground hip hop head I've recently  been writing a track about the connection/disconnection with god and spirit, some of the lyrics :  "I ask you this, with my fist clenched tight, I can't uncurl my fingers coz they're keeping my tears in, you might be responding and i just can't hear, so is this my karma, are you angry with me, please make it clear? "  

I went  for my usual afternoon meditation still playing around with the lyrics in my head when I suddenly found myself on the other side taking a yoga class, I was loving it because I didn't have to say a word. For those of you that aren't aware, in the spirit world communication is by thought, so it feels as if your chatting away, but as the words are entering your head the other person/people can hear and respond the same way. As someone who suffers with the condition M.E where energy is zilch or extremely limited I was buzzing at being able to take a class in this manner, then all of a sudden everyone disappeared and I was on my own in front of a mirror on the yoga mat in Warrior 2 pose when  a man's voice gently called Yana......(pause)......Yana. I was swiftly back on my bed and coming out of meditation eager to find out what "Yana" meant , if anything. I'd often joked over the years that it would be cool to be given a spiritual name of meaning, I know many teachers who go by a spiritual name rather then their own,  but when  I looked at the definition, my jaw dropped:

 "  The name Yana  is derived from the verb, meaning to answer or respond. The name reflects a sense of divine or heavenly response, suggesting a connection between the individual bearing the name and a divine presence" 

Whether I don't understand (I don't), whether i'm still lost (I am) one thing has been made clear, I am connected, we are connected, I am not alone even if it feels that way, God and Spirit are still very much with me, even if I can't chat with them as I used to when I was home, even if I can't hear them in the literal sense like i used to,  I'm not adrift, I can't be adrift if I'm connected to them, so as frustrating as it still is, I just have to continue trusting in them and the process of Life. .


                                               Stay Blessed 🙏 💜 x



                                      

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